“How to survive a rip-current, first don’t fight it.”
I read the headline in a tabloid.
And I thought, this is my one and hardest lesson,
Don’t run away. Jonah tried and was swallowed,
And spit back.
I spend my days running from myself. Pushing against the waves
And currents that run within and through me.
An impossible task.
At best I tread water, and tire.
At worst, in my fight and fury
I don’t see
The moonlight picked out
Across the cresting waves,
And don’t feel the ocean’s drunken wild power,
Don’t feel, under the cold, her warm embrace.
O Lord, return me to myself, return me to the ocean,
I say, and then remember,
I never left.
I’m glad the march was so big that Baltimore’s MARC station was so overflowing at 720 on a Saturday, the line for the train 6 people deep and wrapping around the building and out to St. Paul St., that I gave up and drove to DC, and then contemplating the traffic jam in the direction of the metro, parked on a side street, and took the S4 bus downtown. I watched the bus fill up, at first it was the usual faces of DC buses, locals on errands, tired immigrants coming home from godawful shifts, and then filling rapidly with passendegs holding clear bags of snacks, and wearing protest signs and knit hats, the bus driver reminding us to move on back until everyone is behind the yellow line, and patiently helping newcomers pay their fares, and then skipping stops as we approached downtown as we were too full for more passengers.
I’m glad the march was so big I couldn’t even see or hear the jumbotrons, let alone the stage. I’m glad we more than filled the planned parade route to the point where they had to improvise a new route. It was so big we crashed the cell networks for hours. I’m glad that while were were packed in bodies pressed against bodies, as far as the eye could see, when someone called out that someone who was feeling ill or in a wheelchair was coming through, the crowd parted and formed a path.
I’m glad the crowd chanted chanted “my body my choice” and then men in the crowd responded “her body her choice.”
I’m glad the crowd chanted “black lives matter” over and over and over.
I’m glad I saw a “water is life NoDAPL” sign and wish we had picked up that chant, at least in the small section of the march I could see or hear.
I enjoyed the signs with pictures of uterus with an ovary giving the finger with one of its follicles. God knows we need a smile. I also appreciated the reminders from other signs that being a woman is not defined by ovaries, and from signs reminding cis-women to stand in solidarity with our trans sisters.
Overall I found the language that borrowed from trump about “small hands” and “pussies” momentarily amusing, and then unsatisfying. Any conversation that is based on his terminology will by definition be shriveled and stunted.
I’m glad I can still read enough Arabic to sound out from the NARAL stickers that the Arabic word for feminist is more or less “nisawiyeh,” which makes sense. And I felt a flash of pride and nostalgia to see “פמיניסטית” in hebrew on those stickers. This is what intersecting identities feels like.
I saw brewing and building strength a movement based on compassion and supporting one another rather than the trumpism where the rich steal from the poor and the powerful devour the powerless. I saw it in the gentle ways that no one pushed and people made room for eachother. I saw it in the diversity of signs and chants. I saw it in the old people marching with canes and signs demanding a better world for their grandchildren. I saw it in the hand lettered sign of a seven year old proudly declaring herself the “black daughter of immigrants.” I heard it from the Maya Angelou and Audre Lorde quotes that appeared again and again on signs like background music. Trump is the last gasp of the old world and those of us who have been in some ways complacent are rising up and tearing down what he represents.
After 4 hours of rallying at 2 more of marching I ended with a full heart and a migraine from thirst and hunger and exhaustion.
“Tishmori al-atzmekh”. Take care of yourself, pleaded the grizzled border agent at the Taba crossing, who I had never met before, calling my by the diminutive version of the name he read off my passport, the same nickname my father called me when I was little. I was speaking on behalf of our group of four American students, which as a sort-of Hebrew speaker, sometimes smooths the process, particularly when the friends I’m travelling with are not white. And being a sort-of Hebrew speaker who looks passably-Jewish puts me, for the moment at least, on the “inside” of Israeli society, despite the American passport I just presented, and the guard is worried about me in a way that he is not worried about my friends, maybe I remind him more of his own children, or maybe he thinks I am more or a target.
We turn off the Hebrew as soon as we cross, saying “marhaba” and “awfan” instead of “shalom” and “slikha”. The owners of the camp on the beach where we are staying pick us up from the crossing, so they know that we came from Israel, but we play down the connection, present ourselves as tourists rather than students who have been there for multiple years.
At the camp, we relax, we snorkel, we curl up on the cushions reading our medical school books, and then, drawn back to the otherworldly universe that is the edge of the coral reef, we snorkel again.
Our second morning, a young man in green pants and perfect English with an undefinable accent, is walking around inviting people to a yoga class that he will be giving at 9:30. One of my friends and I decide to go, and a few other women show up as well. His name, he tells us is Ali, and he just got back from a month-long yoga retreat in Rishikesh, India.
It’s a good class, he has a good perspective on yoga, he seems to have internalized that it’s not a competitive sport, and his corrections are subtle and helpful. It was a beautiful place to be doing yoga, on the sand, with the sea in front of us and the mountains rising up behind us, but the heat began to overwhelm people and we cut slightly short at the end.
Afterwards, my friend and I are speaking with him. He says he is from here- from Egypt. I mention that I haven’t been to Cairo but I want to go. Ali is surprised- how did we get here if not from Cairo? We tell him that we crossed from Israel at Taba. He asks us what Israel is like. “There’s a lot of . . . security,” says my friend. I don’t want to blow our cover, even though I feel safe, but I also feel protective of Israel, defensive maybe. “It has a lot of sub-cultures,” I say. “You can go from a more traditional Bedouin community, to a very religious Jewish community, to a secular, modern one, and sometimes it’s all a bit mixed together.”
“And people are a bit aggressive,” says my friend. “It’s true,” I said. “They get in your business, though sometimes they mean well. Like, an old man yelled at me a few days ago for not wearing a sweater, even though it wasn’t cold.”
Ali laughs. “My grandfather would do something like that.”
I asked him what Egypt was like these days. He told us that they had gotten a new monarchy in place of the old one, but now that the people had woken up, they would not stop fighting until there was a democracy. He told us that he had gone to India to find himself, or to first lose himself, and then find himself. He reminded me then of just about every Israeli I had ever met.
My friends and I went snorkeling one last time, and then headed in to shower and pack and travel back to Israel. At the crossing, my friend expresses the hope that she doesn’t get the extra-special-for-non-white-people-interrogation that she got on her way back from Jordan. We are behind a very large group of tourists, but eventually we get to the passport check, where I speak on behalf of our group again and there are no problems.
Then we are putting our bags through the scanner, and my checkpoint karma catches up with me, because my backpack is pulled off the belt, and I am asked to wait. My friends go on ahead, anticipating that I will catch up at the border control station where I will pass through more easily than them. I ask the guard why my backpack was pulled aside, and he tells me it’s not suspicious. “Then what are you looking for,” I ask? He says he is just looking. And he looks through the wet towel and bathing suit balled up on top, and then through the overabundance of medical textbooks that I brought, leafing through them and shaking them out. He then runs my bag through the scanner again, and clears me to repack in and go on.
In the meantime I had been talking with a Filipina tourist who’s own overabundance of souvenirs was being examined by the guard. I told her that one of the friends I was traveling with had just come back from a medical student rotation in the Philippines. She asked me if he had liked it, and I told her that he had said that his host family was very welcoming and had fattened him up. She laughed, and I wished her a good trip in Israel. I don’t say that I hope strangers don’t try to hire her to clean their floors or change their grandparents’ diapers, as happened to a few of my Asian friends here.
At the very last passport check, I was behind a Palestinian-Israeli family. The border guard took the passports from the father, removed the tickets, and sent them on their way. When it was my turn, he looked at me and asked me if anything had happened to me. I was a bit sweaty and disheveled, but only from travelling. I didn’t think I looked as if anything had happened, and he obviously wasn’t asking everyone that, he was just picking up the thread of Israeli border guards worrying about me. “I’m fine,” I told him, and headed out to where my friends were waiting for me in the sun.
clear sunlight cuts
through fall’s cool smolder.
there’s a warmth hidden
in those leaves,
-Supporters of Palestine, when all the French Jews make aliya and, convinced that all Arabs want to kill them, and join the ranks of the angry and paranoid.
-Israelis, when the Bedouin in Israel stop going into the army, and demand en masse that their villages become part of the future state of Palestine.
-Israelis, when Hamas has a surge in popularity now or very shortly.
-Palestinians, when people in Sderot cheer and drink beer while watching bombs fall on Gaza.
-Israelis, when Palestinians give out candy to celebrate a successful attack on Israelis.
-Moderate Israelis, when they realize how much irreparable harm is being done to their own country by the daily mobs of fascist Jews beating up Arabs and leftist Jews.
-The current Israeli government, when no one takes seriously their claim that they care about Palestinian civilian lives at all.
-Anyone, when the results of this carnage prove startlingly ephemeral, except for a bit more grief and hatred in the air.
What’d I miss?
It doesn’t matter where the bomb came from. It was dropped from a precision-guided drone. It boarded a bus strapped to a guy’s chest under his clothes. Either way, you approach afterward, it is surreally silent, despite the wailing sirens and the moans and calls for help. You get closer, the world becomes more topsy-turvy, the buildings and street don’t look like normal. They’re shredded and pockmarked by shrapnel. Closer still, and you see trickles of blood running down the sidewalk. Over there, is a severed forearm. Elsewhere, indeterminate flesh. It doesn’t matter who bombed you when that was your arm, your flesh. It doesn’t matter whether they wanted to kill you, or just considered you acceptable “collateral damage”, when they killed you.
Stop it. Stop blowing people up. Stop saying it’s justified. Stop saying your way is more moral than theirs, or at least tell that to the people we blew up.